Duck Duck Cougar?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Randomize
