woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
