I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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