Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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