you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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