Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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