he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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