Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
