I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
