youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
