So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
