I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
