Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
