seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
