Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
