just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
