I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
