There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
