you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
