every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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