So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
