So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
