Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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