Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
