I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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