she's into porn, im staying here tonight
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
