who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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