I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
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