Me too!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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