just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
