I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
