Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
