She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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