I want you more than these girls want KFC
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
jump out the window naked night went bad
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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