You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
