i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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