i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
