the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
