I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize