am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
