Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
