Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
