my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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