U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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