he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
