Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
