Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
