I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
