All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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