Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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