The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
