am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
