dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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