It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
