His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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