I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
