I wannas sexs uuuuu
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
