chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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