It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Someone signed my nipple.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
