I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
