singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
