Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize